Childfree & Stepmom: What If You Can Love Someone Who Already Has Kids? | Emily Paulsen & Kerry Cook

For a childfree woman who has a clear vision for her future who also falls in love with someone who has children in their life, what do you do?

I sat down with Kerry Cook to explore this intersection. Kerry embraced the childfree path and is married to a man who has a child.

The Epiphany Moment

Kerry never thought she'd be childfree. She moved to Raleigh in her mid-twenties and went hard into her career and social circle. One year passed, two years passed, ten years passed. She was in her mid-thirties thinking: this is weird. Still not coming up.

Kerry is Type A plus. Her family says she runs hot. It was confusing that having kids was this constant moving target she never wanted to achieve.

Two summers ago she had an epiphany: what if the answer was just no?

She had that conversation with her now husband and was so embraced by his response. She stopped justifying why this was okay. She just became proud of it.

It came down to the smallest things. Could she miss a morning without taking pre-workout? No. Would she sacrifice giving up a walk with all her dogs? Also no. When is the thing gonna come where I'm full throttle for kids? It just never came.

Feeling Like the Backup Dancer

Kerry and her husband met in their mid-thirties. He had an infant son. In Kerry's head, she was like: oh, this is so simple. I like kids, this guy seems cool, this is new, why not?

She had no idea what she was signing up for.

Kerry was long distance for over a year, living in a duffel bag every weekend. She lived both lives. They'd go to the brewery, go antiquing. Then there was a small child and suddenly: do you have the stroller? Did you pack diapers?

What struck me was Kerry's honesty about resentment and jealousy. She had this need for approval from her dad growing up. Watching her stepson get free love from his dad with no strings was triggering. She remembers feeling like she was watching herself from an alternate universe. This is not me. I'm a secure person. Why is this making me so insecure? I'm competing with a child that can't even speak.

Kerry felt excluded by her husband's family. She vividly remembers magnets on the fridge of her stepson's mom. Not her. She was sick to her stomach. She had to ask her husband to text his mom and have them taken down.

Kerry called herself the backup dancer. The natural reaction from people was: well, just do what's right for the kid. Kerry's response was powerful: no, you do what's right for the kid. Walk one day in my shoes when you're internally so conflicted. It's not about the kid, it's about preserving the relationship I hope is lifelong.

Not Recognizing Herself in Her Wedding Photos

Kerry knew on their second date she'd marry her husband. This person is worth it.

They got married. It was amazing. But they never got one wedding picture developed because Kerry doesn't know who the person in the pictures is.

She vividly remembers on her wedding day getting a text about when her stepson's nap should be. She went AWOL in her head. Could we just have a moment please? Just one where there's not one thing impacting it?

When Kerry got her wedding pictures back and didn't recognize herself, she knew she had to change.

The Plot Twist

Kerry asked her husband for permission to text her stepson's biological mom one-on-one. She had no clue who was on the other side of this.

That's been the biggest plot twist. It became a genuine, authentic friendship. Kerry and her stepson's mom send each other books in pickups and drop offs. They're like pen pals who are also literally raising a child together.

That final moment when Kerry decided she actually didn't want to have a baby herself changed everything. She felt less in competition. They're equal. She doesn't want what she has. She's glad for her, but she doesn't long for it.

Kerry walks into rooms with people with kids and she's never jealous. She's happy for them, but she's never gutted by looking around the room.

Jealousy is unfulfilled potential. When you think about all the things you're not jealous of, they're just not for you. You can appreciate it and also realize it's not part of your path.

Listen to Your Nervous System

Kerry said something critical: you can't live on an internal nervous system that is just on fire. Something has to give. Whether therapy, community, leaning in.

The nervous energy when you're not a nervous person is gonna make you sick.

Kerry started getting one-on-one time with her stepson. Having that time and realizing they were getting their own bond started to change things. Now when he walks in the door, she's thrilled he's here and she's all in.

Nobody is meant to need a Xanax 50 times a day. If you feel that way, you have to adjust.

Curious About Finding Your Community?

Kerry created a Childfree Collective. It went from four or five women on the first night to now 19 or 20 strong.

The community, the rawness, the tears, the visceral reactions, and having space to just say it changed Kerry's life. If you don't have more than one friend you can cut loose with, find your people.

Let's Stay Curious Together

What stayed with me was Kerry's openness to get curious about her stepson's biological mom as a woman, as an individual, independent of her role. You two did not choose each other. That's something I respect so much.

Kerry reminded me we need fluidity. We're powerful women with vision and discipline. But sometimes we go so far keeping that ship on track that we create blind spots to things that could enrich our lives.

Curiosity is inevitably about change. It's about seeing things in a new perspective and then what you do with that new information.

You can listen to Episode 67 of Curious Life of a Childfree Woman wherever you get your podcasts, and find more reflections on Instagram @curiouslifeofachildfreewoman.

Let's stay curious together.