Porn Addiction: What's Going on with Modern Men? | Emily Paulsen & Craig Perra

Two topics have been circling around in cultural conversations that caught my attention: dopamine addiction and men's mental health. The influence of the internet and quick dopamine hits on platforms from Instagram to porn sites is impacting all of us.

I sat down with Craig Perra, founder of the Mindful Habit System, to have a judgment-free conversation about what's really going on with men. Craig helps high-performing men build awareness around behaviors without shame, and his vulnerability about his own journey makes this conversation powerful.

Craig's Personal Journey

Craig opened our conversation with something he didn't have to share. He described himself as what he calls an abusive husband. For decades, he lied, cheated, and gaslit his wife Michelle while maintaining a secret pornography habit. He was a hotshot lawyer who had no morals, no ethical compass.

He experienced sexual trauma as a child. Physical abuse at the hands of his mother. He was groomed by a priest who later killed himself after being accused of molesting children. These issues showed up in his marriage, and his wife bore the brunt of them.

Craig owns this. He uses that word, abusive, even though his wife doesn't like it. He says it's his way of owning his behavior and giving people hope that people can change and grow.

Personally, Craig thinks having a secret sex life and lying about it is abusive because of the impact it has on partners. Women who are listening and thinking to themselves, am I crazy? There's something wrong with someone gaslighting me about what they're doing around a subject that's so important. That's abusive.

Dopamine: The Chemical of Want

Dopamine is the chemical of want. We need it. It's a motivation chemical and learning chemical that gets reinforced over and over again.

But dopamine is released before the reward, not after. It creates drive. It pushes you into action. It fuels pursuit. That's why the anticipation is often stronger than the payoff.

Think about where dopamine is being hijacked: social media, texting and emailing, notifications and alerts, pornography, compulsive masturbation, dating apps, sexting, AI girlfriends, gambling, day trading, crypto, sports betting, sugar, processed foods, alcohol, nicotine, video games, online shopping, scrolling, compulsive researching.

Craig lives his life by one principle: protect your dopamine. You have to actually not experience that hit over and over again if you truly want to be successful. You have to sit in the discomfort of the absence of dopamine.

Dopamine is fuel not fulfillment.

We weren't wired for this. Other countries are banning social media for children under 16. Why? Despite tens or hundreds of millions in lobbying dollars, countries are saying we're actually going to ban it because the higher the exposure, the higher the suicide rate.

There's no data that says more short form video makes you happier.

The Numbers Are Staggering

67% of American men view porn online every year. Of the men who look at porn, 60% of them do it more than several times a week. PornHub alone has 42 billion visits annually.

36% of daily porn viewers feel lonely most or all of the time. They're engaging digitally, but they actually feel alone.

65% of men and 30% of women report porn negatively impacting their real life relationships.

A recent study of women in the UK between ages 18 to 40 found that 30% were slapped, choked, hit, or spit on during consensual intercourse with their partners. They did not consent to any of that.

Where are these guys learning this? Most sexual education for young boys is coming from pornography. Craig started with magazines when he was young. Still images of a naked woman posing suggestively. That was it. He thanks God that was his beginning.

Now boys are exposed younger and younger. Average exposure is somewhere between 8 to 12 years old. They're learning from pornography that has escalated to extreme content. Sexual violence has been normalized through chronic consumption at a very young age.

And the result? This generation is having less sex than any generation in recorded history.

Men's Oldest Habit Collides With Women's Deepest Wound

One of men's oldest habits is turning to sex to alleviate discomfort. The sucking thumb habit goes away. Holding the blankie goes away. This doesn't.

It's not just the habit of doing it. It's the habit of doing it in secret.

The conditioning around using porn, masturbation, orgasm to escape discomfort started at a very young age. You can't talk about it. You'll be shamed. You'll be scolded. You'll be violating the tenets of your faith. It's disgusting.

So their oldest and most impactful habit just so happens to be many partners' deepest wound. She internalizes it as: he's choosing this instead of me. I'm not doing the right thing sexually. I can't do what's happening in porn. I don't want to do that.

This massive disconnect is colliding in an explosive way, impacting birth rates, divorce rates, and whether people even decide to date at all.

Why Men Keep Doing It

If 65% of men say it's negatively impacting their real-life relationships, and men are reporting loneliness, why do they keep doing it?

Because it's relief. It's an escape. It might be the only place where these men feel they have a sense of autonomy over their lives.

Bills are going up. They're making less. There's a sense of hopelessness.

The frequency is staggering. Craig had one client calculate the number of times he watched porn and masturbated in secret. He also calculated how many times he thought he brushed his teeth. There was a long period of his life where he didn't care about his teeth. The porn number was higher.

It started at a ridiculously young age. The repetition over and over and over again. Because it's relief, because it's escape, because it's reward. If you had a difficult childhood, it was your oasis. It was your safe place. It was mine. You could go wherever you wanted, do whatever you wanted.

You have to get uncomfortable to take off that blanket and step into your power. It takes a lot of work.

The cure is the aggressive pursuit of a great life. The solution isn't sobriety. The solution is you kicking ass in life. That's the only way you can overcome the wiring that has occurred over decades.

What Women Can Do

I asked Craig what women can do to be supportive without feeling like we're having to take charge. We've had to deal with so much. We're still getting paid 83 cents on the dollar. We're still fighting for our reproductive rights. It's easy to have an attitude of: you'll figure it out boys, we've had to figure it all out.

But that's not true. I care about the mental wellbeing of men.

Craig works with women after this blows up in relationships. He tells them: sorry to break it to you, but you are going to have to take the lead here. The reason is because you told me you wanted a trusting relationship, a safe relationship. That means you have to act in accordance with those goals.

Shaming him and putting your stuff onto him works for a short period of time. But you don't treat a dog that way because that dog gets angry and eventually bites or runs away. Same psychology.

You're likely dealing with an emotionally immature man who probably experienced trauma and has no concept of how to express emotion in a healthy way. Craig was a hotshot lawyer, but he had no idea how to regulate conflict in his relationships without anger or shutting down. Those were his only two tools.

When you frame it from an outcome perspective, that changes the lens. What do you want to accomplish? Making a disgusted face when he answers a question you asked might not get you there.

Men Need Brotherhood

Most men say they have nobody to reach out to when they're down. Women have community and friendships. Men don't.

Craig tells his clients they need to be involved in male groups. He has very successful clients who pay for one-on-one attention, and he tells them: we can only do so much. It is not sustainable without community.

You need a brotherhood to call you on your behavior, to hold you accountable. Men need a place where they can be vulnerable, where they can support other men and realize they're not alone.

Everyone who comes into Craig's program thinks they're alone. They thought they were the only one sharing this shame, this sense of inadequacy, this imposter syndrome.

At the root of every problem Craig has worked with in 14 years: lack of love for self. People who love themselves don't lie. They don't self-harm.

Curious About Starting Conversations?

Craig shared practical guidance on navigating these difficult topics. Here are a few places to begin:

Get clear on how behaviors make you feel. Talk about your feelings. They're indisputable. Don't use facts like "you did this" or "you do this too much." Focus on how it makes you feel.

Focus on the integrity issues, not just the sexual behavior. Partners get great results when they focus on the lying part. It's so easy to get lost in shame around sex.

Ask men to reflect on their trajectory. Would you say you're on the right track? You're feeling good about yourself, you're proud? There's so much hopelessness out there. The more communication we have, the more empathy we show, the better outcomes we get.

Protect your dopamine. Sit in the discomfort of its absence. The cure is the aggressive pursuit of a great life.

Support men building communities and brotherhood. They need accountability, vulnerability, and support from other men.

Let's Stay Curious Together

What stayed with me after talking with Craig was the reminder that we weren't wired for this. The constant dopamine hits available everywhere in our pockets are hijacking a chemical we need to function.

Men are struggling. They're lonely. They're caught in habits that started in childhood and have been reinforced thousands of times. The shame keeps them stuck.

And women are impacted too. We internalize these behaviors as reflections on us. We feel chosen second. We carry shame that isn't ours to carry.

But people can change. People can grow. The cure is stepping into your power and kicking ass in life.

You can listen to Episode 65 of Curious Life of a Childfree Woman wherever you get your podcasts, and find more reflections on Instagram @curiouslifeofachildfreewoman.

Let's stay curious together.