Gravitas: What Does It Really Mean, and How Do We Develop It? | Emily Paulsen & Janet Bartucci
For most of my life, I thought confidence was the goal.
If I could just speak clearly, stop apologizing, and stay composed, I’d be taken seriously. I’d get what I wanted. I’d be heard.
But after sitting down with leadership strategist Janet Bartucci on this week’s episode of Curious Life of a Childfree Woman, I realized I’ve been aiming at the wrong target. Because confidence might help you enter the room. But gravitas is what makes people actually pay attention.
And that’s not something most of us were taught. Especially if we were raised to be polite, to keep the peace, to be “good.” Especially if we’ve been praised for being competent—but not truly seen for our full capacity.
Janet has spent decades inside executive boardrooms and global brand strategy sessions. And over time, she saw the pattern clearly: it’s not the smartest person in the room who leads. It’s the one with the presence to hold her ground, especially when it’s uncomfortable.
Gravitas Doesn’t Always Look the Way You Expect
Janet is not loud. She’s not flashy. She’s not the kind of person who dominates a room. But she is the kind of woman who gets listened to—not because she demands it, but because she embodies it.
One story she shared really stayed with me. She was consulting with a pharmaceutical company and recommended a major shift in how the CEO delivered a presentation. He cut her down in front of the room—publicly, cruelly, and with a jab that made it clear he didn’t see her as an authority.
And then? At the final presentation, he implemented her exact recommendation.
That moment wasn’t a triumphant “I told you so.” It was a reminder that having the right idea isn’t always enough. Sometimes, people won’t hear it until they’re ready. But how you carry yourself in that moment—that’s what shapes how you’re remembered.
Janet didn’t shrink. She didn’t retaliate. She held her ground, stayed composed, and let the outcome speak for itself. That’s gravitas.
It’s Not About Being Loud, It’s About Being Steady
Janet said something that hit straight to the center of my chest:
“You don’t gain gravitas by never being dismissed. You gain it by holding your ground when it happens.”
We talked about how so many of us stay silent because we’re afraid. Afraid of saying the wrong thing. Of being challenged. Of getting it “almost right” and being criticized for the one detail we missed. But the truth is, those moments are going to happen anyway.
Gravitas is what carries you through them.
It’s not about getting it perfect. It’s about staying calm. Regrouping when needed. And knowing that one person’s reaction doesn’t define your value.
Read the Room, Then Own It
One of the most practical insights Janet shared was about energy—not just what you bring, but what you observe. Gravitas isn’t about dominating a conversation. It’s about understanding where it’s headed, and choosing your moment to guide it forward.
Janet talked about walking into meetings with a plan—not just a list of talking points, but a sense of what the room needs. What’s the tone? What’s the power dynamic? Where is the tension, and what’s not being said? The ability to read that, and then contribute from a place of calm authority, is one of the most underrated skills in leadership.
You don’t have to be the first to speak. But when you do speak, you speak with purpose.
That’s what it means to own the room. Not to control it, but to show up fully in it. To be so clear on who you are and what you bring, that you don’t need to overpower anyone—you just need to decide it’s your turn.
Let’s Talk About the “Good Girl” Problem
Janet and I talked a lot about how deeply good girl conditioning runs—and how much it costs us. We think being agreeable will help us get ahead. That politeness will earn us respect. That if we wait our turn, someone will make space for us.
But most of the time, no one does.
Gravitas requires us to stop waiting and start leading. To be direct without being harsh. To hold boundaries without overexplaining. To stop making ourselves smaller to keep other people comfortable.
The truth is, a lot of us aren’t even aware we’re doing it. We’ve been so shaped by the desire to be liked that we barely notice when we start softening our message or apologizing for our existence.
Curious About Building Gravitas? Here’s Where to Start
You don’t need to become someone else to be taken seriously. You don’t need to talk more, talk louder, or try to dominate every meeting. You need presence. Clarity. Self-trust.
That’s what gravitas actually is.
Here are a few ways to start building it:
Watch your language. Notice where you’re hedging, over-explaining, or apologizing. Clean it up.
Prepare beyond your content. Know your intention, your energy, your audience.
Dress like you take yourself seriously. Not for approval, but for alignment.
Practice pausing. Let your words land. The silence is part of your power.
Own the room you’re already in. You don’t need permission to lead. Just a decision
Let’s Stay Curious Together
This episode wasn’t about trying to sound more confident in meetings. It was about redefining what leadership even looks like—and letting go of the outdated scripts that keep us small.
You can listen to the full conversation with Janet Bartucci wherever you get your podcasts. And if it brought up something for you, whether a past moment or a new way forward, I’d love to hear about it.
Join me on Instagram @curiouslifeofachildfreewoman and tell me what gravitas means to you—and what you're no longer willing to shrink for.
